by Siobhan Copland 28 June 2013
This week channel 4 screened a show as part of the ‘date season’ with the intriguing title ‘Why am I still single’. A question undoubtedly not only do singles often ask themselves, but that dreaded question that gets asked on dates, from probing friends and family, oh and especially at those wonderful occasions called weddings. Why are you still single?
Its as if being single is some form of disease, which couples especially seem to be ever so concerned that you’re suffering from. Often singletons do sit there in amazement, thinking “well yeah I have got a lot going for me, but I’m still technically ‘Stuck on the shelf’.” So you can’t help but start to question, why? Is there something wrong with me? Have I lost my touch? What can I even answer when asked this question?
The show concluded that Naomi and Lex, who had spent 4 days delving into each other’s lives, trying to find out just why things weren’t working out on the Love front, both had underlying issues holding them back, in Naomi’s case she wasn’t over her ex, with whom she had split from 4 years prior, but was still regularly sleeping with, with no commitment from him, much to her frustration. And her clinginess (a turn off) seemed to have developed as a result of her parents divorce, and paternal abandonment.
In Lex’s case, it seemed he was still a little immature, and although he liked the idea of having a girlfriend wasn’t really that prepared to put the ground work in.
But being single doesn’t always mean that you must have some emotional psychological issues going on but there are some plausible reasons to consider.
Maybe you’re not over your ex.
Yes this is a big one, although the saying may go, the best way to get over one is to get under another. But lets face it, even if you muster up enough courage, or alcohol to end up in someone else’s bed, it is not a guarantee for commitment in return, which is what us relationship types crave. But also, sex, especially unattached sex with little affection, is not the sure fire cure to get over an ex.
In Lex’s case, she carried a lot of guilt for the breakdown of the relationship. For us ladies we often need to understand why a breakup happened, rather than just accept that’s it over, end of and move on.
It can often take time to fully understand, who was responsible, and which role you played in why things went wrong.
It takes two to make a relationship work, and also two to break it down. It’s important to accept responsibility for what you contributed towards that. And not only forgive your ex, but also understand and forgive yourself.
Have it clear in your mind which negative habits you are willing to break, and not take into the next relationship.
Even if you start seeing a guy when you’re still clearly carrying baggage from a previous situation, often they can sense it, and it can easily send them running. Especially if you start making comparisons, or show signs of being too clingy and needy.
You’re not putting yourself out there enough
Contrary to popular belief Mr Right is probably not going to come knocking at your door, unless he’s the post or milkman!
If you’re not out and about and just stuck in your same routine, it’s going to be very hard to meet him. .
It doesn’t have to entail dressing up in your shortest clingiest attire, and heading out to bars and nightclubs, getting off your face drunk.
In fact if you’re looking for a serious relationship you should be doing quite the opposite. If you’re going out for drinks, dress in a classy sophisticated way, the girls with the short skirts may get free drinks at the bar, and attention, but more often that not, guys are thinking one thing, and its not relationship.
Good guys notice the girls who are not trying to be the centre of attention, but have a quiet confidence.
Start a new hobby, ie. get fit, join a running club or learn a new language. Great places to meet people who may share similar interests, and the fact you’re both there, you already have something in common.
You aren’t willing to compromise
A successful relationship requires compromise, and many of us have a checklist of things we are looking for in a potential partner, and will quickly dismiss the possibility of being with someone if they don’t match our criteria. But you could be missing out on a great relationship as a result?
For example, is it really necessary for a guy to be a few inches taller that you in heels? If he has everything else going for him?
Does it really matter if he doesn’t have nice shoes? If he is willing to go the extra mile for you? It’s not settling for less than you deserve to be willing to negotiate on certain things, which often in the grand scheme of things are quite irrelevant when you’re actually in a fulfilling loving relationship.
You’ve lost some of your confidence
After being dumped, it’s natural for your confidence to take a hit. And you often end up being hard on yourself, especially if you’ve had many unsuccessful dates, but dating is supposed to be fun, even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr Right. So just because you don’t hit it off with someone, don’t let your confidence take a knock. Confidence is sexy, and a very attractive trait.
People like to be around confident, outgoing people. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a little prep talk if you need to, and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel comfortable and confident with who you are. Wear clothes which make you feel your best, and comfortable, When speaking to people, give good eye contact, and a steady hand shake when greeting.
If you’re not happy with something about yourself, change it. Happy people are confident within themselves, and people are drawn towards them.
You may feel ready for a relationship and are determined to get the relationship you feel you deserve. But relationships aren’t developed over night; there is a process involved, which will take time.
To get to the stage of being able to know one another, trust one another, and to be able to go through a period of growth together. Just because you want one right now, you will have to be patient with the process, and also for feelings to develop. You may develop feelings quickly when you feel a connection or attraction to someone, but don’t expect your date’s feelings to move at the same rate.
You shouldn’t continue to see someone who is clearly afraid of commitment or stringing you along. It’s better for a relationship to evolve naturally, then to start forcing the issue, by making demands and asking for commitment too soon. Men like to feel as though they’ve made a decision to be with someone, rather than being held at gunpoint.
You’re too busy
It’s often a reason we give when asked why we’re single the old ‘I’m too busy for Love’ line. And juggling careers, family responsibilities and seeing friends admittedly can take up a lot of time. Where’s the time to fit in meeting new people?
An increasing number of people are taking up online dating as a convenient way to meet someone. And in theory a man popping up in your inbox can seem like a quick fire way to meet, but online datingdoes also take effort, and entering the online meat market, which effectively is what it is, isn’t for everyone.
You’ll also need to invest time in searching, although you won’t literally be trawling the streets, it can still be a draining process.
Another increasingly popular concept is finding someone through a matchmaker, which is a convenient way for busy professionals to meet, by hiring a personal matchmaker to go out on the hunt for them.
But regardless of how demanding your life and career may be, you have to accept that when the right person does come along, you will have to make room for them, so are you purposely wrapping yourself up in things to keep your mind off things? Could there be some things you could drop off of your to do list, to free up more time for Mr Right?
A relationship takes time and effort, are you willing to put the work in?